TQG 57

57. Fortitude

“So I guess you didn’t just grow taller,” Corinth said as we were shown into the parlor.

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“Oh, just commenting that you seem to have a massive pair of balls,” the older boy commented.  “And from all the talk about you while you were in the lobby, I’m sort of under the impression that it’s a recent development.”

I frowned.  “I mean, I actually think their normal sized for a boy my age but I guess I wouldn’t really have many to compare them to.  Are my pants too tight or--”

“He’s referring to how bold you’re being, My Lord,” Tarisha explained.  “Testicular fortitude is, well, it’s a bit sexist, but saying someone has ‘big balls’ implies that they are bold and fearless in our world.”

“Oh.  I guess I hadn’t noticed.  My pants do look okay, don’t they?” I inquired, trying to examine myself without being obvious about it.

“Your outfit looks fine, My Lord,” Tarisha assured me.

“Have I been acting strangely since I got back, Tarisha?”

“It’s . . . you have changed, but that’s to be expected.  You do seem more confident than before, Corinth is correct on that account.  But then you were always more comfortable dealing with Natives than you were with Travelers.  But I’ve never had the privilege of watching you throw around your rank before,” she replied.

I frowned, deeply troubled by their comments.  Thomas the Administrator had told me that Thedum had done things to me, changed me in ways which the admins did not fully understand.  Was he responsible for the way I had been acting lately?  As I reflected on the last several hours since I had returned to Lagrea, I grew more and more troubled by my actions.  How much of what I had done and said was because of me, and how much of it was whatever Thedum had done to me?

The parlor overlooked the side garden, and I took a seat on the windowsill to look outside.  It was on the wrong side of the house to watch the sunset itself, but watching the white rose bushes turn orange then crimson as the day came to an end was quite soothing, and it helped distract me from the troubles I was facing.  I suppose I do have to give Uncle Storm credit for one thing; his home was beautiful.

“Tarisha, if I start acting rude or erratically, please smack some sense into me,” I said.

“Quest accepted.  Oh, this one is shareable too.  Should I--”

“No,” I said quickly.

“I think I’m going to anyway,” she commented.  “Not widely, but I plan on giving it to Daemon and Dimple and Thena.  Maybe Laurant and the rest of that gang as well, we’ll see.”

I chewed my lip and restrained myself from rising to her teasing.  Although, to be honest, if I was acting out of character, I would rather have someone point it out than keep silent.  “I guess, just give it to whoever you think knows me well enough to spot anything odd.”

A moment passed, and abruptly the door burst open, having been kicked by Malkios.

“Hah!  Hasn’t arrived yet my arse!” the former captain of the guard shouted.  “You see, Gwen, I told you that he’d be punctual.”

“I never doubted it,” Lady Gwen said, stepping into the room after Malkios, with Lord Tom a pace behind.  “I simply figured that I’d allow you to be the one who start breaking down doors to find him as our host struggled to keep us separate.”

“I assure you milady that was not our intent!” the servant said, trailing behind the trio.  “I was not informed of Earl Hail’s arrival and--”

“You’re dismissed.  We no longer require or desire your presence,” Lord Tom said.  “If you remain, I shall poison you with something that will force you to spend the next four days sitting on the privy.”

The servant, a young woman of approximately nineteen years, spent a brief moment considering whether she was more afraid of Tom or her master.  When Tom took out a bottle from his pocket, however, she promptly vanished back the way they had come, hastily closing the doors behind her.

“It’s good to see you three,” I said.

“They insisted on dragging us into the back room as soon as we arrived, they refused to allow us to wait for you outside,” Gwen said, huffing.  “Tell me everything you said and did from the time you arrived.”

“Well,” I said.  “I turned Filo into a toad because he called me a little goblin, and I corrected one of the valets when he called my uncle ‘his royal majesty.’  Other than that --”

Gwen, Tom, and even Malkios, abruptly pinched the bridge of their nose and put on a pained expression at my words.

“I told you we should have insisted on waiting at the gate,” Tom whispered to his companions.

“We didn’t have a polite way of refusing the invitation inside,” Gwen reminded him.

“So we should have been rude,” Tom replied.

“Yes, well, the past is always clear as glass, while the future is hidden in mists,” Gwen sighed.

“Also I said that if I saw Filo again today I would challenge him to a duel, and that I expected him to apologize for the insult at our next meeting,” I supplied helpfully.

Malkios snorted.  The two nobles exchanged a look of consternation, then sighed.

“Well, that at least I can agree with given the provocation,” Lord Tom said.  “Had it been me, I would have shaved that toad’s mustache off with a poisoned dagger while Malkios held him in a headlock for me.”

“Filo was always too full of himself,” Gwen agreed.  “Had you failed to react to his provocation it would have been a sign of weakness.  Which was likely calculated by your uncle; I’m quite certain he instructed Filo to insult you to see how you would react.”

“Well, he’s lucky that I cast [Polymorph] and not [Fireball],” I said.

“Yes, I’m quite certain he is,” Tom agreed.  “Although it would have been amusing had you burned that ugly mustache off of his face.”

“I suppose you have handled the situation adequately since you arrived,” Gwen said.  “However, please allow us to take the lead once your uncle arrives, Lord Hail.  I wish we had more time to coach you on how to navigate these waters, but try to avoid committing to anything, and remember that as both your uncle and a duke, Storm outranks you.  Do not let him goad you.  If he insults you, allow Tom or I to deal with it, do not push back.”

I sighed.  “Yes yes, I understand.  I shall sit in the corner and allow the grownups to do the talking, just like I have since I was three years old.  Also, Uncle Storm, I know you’re listening.  I’m quite skilled with magic and I can tell when a listening device is turned on.  Please stop wasting everyone’s time and come join us.”

Tom and Gwen exchanged panicked expressions and quickly began looking around the room for what they had missed.  Two minutes later the door to the parlor opened again, and my Uncle Storm came inside, a curious expression on his face.  He was the youngest of my uncles at twenty-seven, two years younger than my own mother, and had his dark hair braided over one shoulder.  He was dressed in a fine blue doublet and hose.  He went over to the coffee table before one of the lounges and examined the centerpiece, a filigreed duck statuette.

“I was assured that it was undetectable by even an arch-mage,” he commented.  “How did you know?”

“I was bluffing,” I admitted.  “I figured either there was a device and you would hear me, or there wasn’t one and I’d watch Lady Gwen and Lord Tom panic for a few minutes.  I didn’t really see a downside.”

“Ah.  Clever,” Storm said, straightening up.  “And now I’ve gone and revealed one of my cards.  In front of two of my late-father’s chief advisors no less, and no doubt all of their allies will be advised of its appearance and purpose before dawn tomorrow.  I had might as well throw this out in the trash, it’s useless now.  A nine-hundred gold paperweight.”

I shrugged.  Personally, I could think of several uses for it even if its secret was widely known, but I kept my mouth closed.  If Uncle Storm was lacking in imagination, then I wasn’t going to supply him with mine.

“Well then, dear uncle – may I address you as uncle or would you prefer ‘your grace?’” I asked.

“Since you’ve already refused to give me the title I’m due I don’t particularly care,” Storm declared.  “You have made your allegiance known.  First you sent a wanted fugitive to my home and caused me personal embarrassment at having them arrested in my staff quarters, and then you declare that I am not next in line for the throne!  It is clear that Auroras has gotten to you before I could, although I do not know how he managed it.”

“I haven’t spoken with Great Uncle Auroras since I was dragged to his villa three years ago and forced to spend a week running and hiding from that awful grandson of his,” I said.

“And yet you support him over me,” Storm persisted.

“I shall swear my allegiance to whoever Thedum pronounces to be the next king,” I declared.

“Then you are allying yourself with the church?” he inquired.

“The church crowns the king,” I reminded him.  “They have pronounced that the coronation will not proceed until the culprit of the recent assassinations of your brothers has been found.  I don’t see why my opinion as a lowly Earl matters one way or the other, and quite honestly I dislike being trapped in the spaces between rocks and hard things.”

“I did notorder the assassination of my brothers!  How dare you accuse me of such a heinous crime!” Storm shouted.

“I didn’t accuse you of anything,” I said.  “I reiterated the church’s position on the matter.  I would appreciate it if you do not put words in my mouth, Uncle Storm.”

The man frowned at me for a moment, then cursed under his breath.  “I think I preferred you when you were six years old and still terrified of Filo.  Well then, my clever little statesman, what would you suggest I do to clear my name?”

I considered the question for a moment.  “Go to church.”

He frowned at me.  “What?”

“Attend high mass.  Request to speak.  Testify before all of the assembled natives that you have never ordered the murder or assassination of any member of your family, and demand that Thedum strike you dead if you bear false witness.  If you survive, then the church must crown you as the next in line for the throne, for surely Thedum would not allow such a brazen act to go unanswered unless it was genuine,” I explained.

Uncle Storm opened his mouth, then closed it.  He considered my suggestion for a moment as he bit his thumb, looking at the stupid filigreed duck.  “Yes, yes that would work, the priests would have no choice, would they?”

“But Uncle Storm, I should remind you.  When Grandfather was murdered, Thedum created an avatar.  He has clearly taken a vested interest in the governance of Yuikon,” I pointed out.  “If you are innocent, then obviously you have nothing to fear.  Only the true mastermind behind the assassinations would be struck down by such flagrant heresy as swearing a false oath in Thedum’s name in his temple during a mass dedicated to him in front of thousands of his followers.  If I were the culprit, then I certainly wouldn’t want to do that, because if Thedum can spawn a Worldboss at will, then surely a bolt of lightning wouldn’t be too difficult, would it?”

Uncle Storm’s thoughtful expression turned to anger, and he turned his fury on me.  He opened his mouth to shout, closed it, opened it again, closed it.  After a moment he visibly took himself under control, and only when his outward expression was calm again did he speak.  But still his words were seething.

“Get out of my house, Bastard,” he said.

I bowed politely, the exact depth that was appropriate for an Earl to bow to a Duke.  “Thank you for your invitation, Uncle.  Perhaps I shall see you in church.”

I was the first to the door, with my retinue following quickly.  As we were walking through the corridor, Corinth whispered to Tarisha “Not only are they massive, they are made of steel!”